Thursday, March 22, 2012
Next Step!!!!!
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Just Because........
I have started to realize over the past couple days just how relaxing it is to be in my husbands arms. I think I used to take that for granted. I should know better since we were separated for 15 months during training and a tour in Iraq. I guess we just get complacent and don't realize what we have.
We had a great weekend with some great friends and their little girl! Girls are so much fun. Everything is "pretty"!
I just have a hard time "playing", lol. I feel bad when she asks to play and I say no. Its just hard for me. I never babysat and I was never "made" to watch my little brother, and I thank my mom for that! :)
Keep on being positive ladies! Keep on hoping and praying and trying our time will come!
We had a great weekend with some great friends and their little girl! Girls are so much fun. Everything is "pretty"!
I just have a hard time "playing", lol. I feel bad when she asks to play and I say no. Its just hard for me. I never babysat and I was never "made" to watch my little brother, and I thank my mom for that! :)
Keep on being positive ladies! Keep on hoping and praying and trying our time will come!
Friday, March 16, 2012
breaks my heart!
Due to a recent tragedy here in my home town, my heart has been broken. How could anyone in their right mind beat a child to death? This is what he admitted.
"Huett admitted he walked up to the child, who was in a different room lying down on the floor in an upright fetal position with her head to the side. Huett stated he picked up the child, facing her away from him, and squeezed the child harder than he should have by placing his thumbs on her back and his fingers on her chest. Huett admitted he then turned the child around toward him, placed the child's chest against the area of his left collar bone and squeezed the child with both his arms until she stopped brething for a second or two.
"Huett admitted he then walked into a different room, where the child's crib was and threw the child in the crib. Huett described he did this from approximately four (4) to five (5) high off the ground, and the child was thrown in head first while facing downward. Huett stated he believes the child might have hit one of the wooden bars in the bed, because the bed moved a few inches."
he was playing a Playstation 3 game called Blitz, when (Jordan) started crying. Huett state Blitz was a video game that requires a lot of concentration, and the crying of the child distracted him and caused him to get angry.
click here to read the story.
This makes me SICK. There are so many of us out there who have tried to concieve for YEARS, and then we hear of MONSTERS like this. Now, I do believe that there are more children out there being abused then we will ever know. =(
How can God, put his innocent children through that? Why not give them a home where they will be adored and loved with everything the parents have? I just dont understand. I feel so bad for the family that truley loved Jordan. The system failed her as DHS has been in the home mulitple times.
"Huett admitted he walked up to the child, who was in a different room lying down on the floor in an upright fetal position with her head to the side. Huett stated he picked up the child, facing her away from him, and squeezed the child harder than he should have by placing his thumbs on her back and his fingers on her chest. Huett admitted he then turned the child around toward him, placed the child's chest against the area of his left collar bone and squeezed the child with both his arms until she stopped brething for a second or two.
"Huett admitted he then walked into a different room, where the child's crib was and threw the child in the crib. Huett described he did this from approximately four (4) to five (5) high off the ground, and the child was thrown in head first while facing downward. Huett stated he believes the child might have hit one of the wooden bars in the bed, because the bed moved a few inches."
he was playing a Playstation 3 game called Blitz, when (Jordan) started crying. Huett state Blitz was a video game that requires a lot of concentration, and the crying of the child distracted him and caused him to get angry.
click here to read the story.
This makes me SICK. There are so many of us out there who have tried to concieve for YEARS, and then we hear of MONSTERS like this. Now, I do believe that there are more children out there being abused then we will ever know. =(
How can God, put his innocent children through that? Why not give them a home where they will be adored and loved with everything the parents have? I just dont understand. I feel so bad for the family that truley loved Jordan. The system failed her as DHS has been in the home mulitple times.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Another cycle bites the dust!
So hello aunt flow, can't say that I am happy to see you because I would be lying! I cried this morning. Just want to thank you for that by the way. I will say thank you though for showing up on time. That means I didn't have to sit around and wonder. Don't worry one of these day you won't show up on time and it won't be because your late!
When this happens, I will cry again.
However, those tears won't be of sadness and heartbreak! Oh no! They will be for joy and happiness!
Welcome to our journey of ttc'n!
Xoxoxo-Twilia
When this happens, I will cry again.
However, those tears won't be of sadness and heartbreak! Oh no! They will be for joy and happiness!
Welcome to our journey of ttc'n!
Xoxoxo-Twilia
Monday, March 12, 2012
To test or not to test!?
OK, so who runs out and buys a test before their missed period????
Ugh...that would be me lol. However, I haven't in a long while..seeing enough (-) signs will desensitize you from the experience.
When its something that you have been trying for, for so long. When do you give up hope? When you quit tracking your fertile period? When you quit peeing on the stick to make sure that you did indeed ovulate?!?
Is there still not some sort of hope out there? Something that tells you to hang in there, your turn is coming and when it does your not gonna be ashamed of the belly.....oh no....we will be PROUD of the belly! We will be proud that we have finally accomplished the ONE task that we have put so much effort into.
At times, I think.....were would we be? Where would our lives have taken us if we hadn't have suffered a miscarriage? Would we still be together or would our children get to go to dad's every other weekend?
When we got married in 2005, I knew that there was NO way we would rush having kids. I was on birth control and he wore a condom ALWAYS. I still believe in that decision, just wonder if it costs us a lot more in the end? I will be 25 years old this summer. I can't believe it, still childless. Still wondering if I will ever get the chance to feel life inside me. Feel the bond between mother and child, see the love in my husband's eyes as he realizes there is now more to life then just the two of us.
So yes, I will test early, for the glimmer of hope that may be just MAY BE, we did it!
Welcome to the LONG road of infertility. One that is not for the weary or weak. It has made me a stronger person and I am NOT ashamed of whats going on, just ready to move on with LIFE.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
No words need to be spoken.....
For those of us who are trying to conceive, there are no worse phrases than: "it'll happen" "just relax" "there's always adoption"
None of those make us feel better. Most of the people that say those things, didn't have any problems getting pregnant. This is one issue that isn't easily understood, unless you yourself are in the same shoes or have been in the same shoes.
In my time of need, my mom just cried with me. I had no idea what to do. My husband was training for Iraq, how the hell was I gonna tell him?! All I could get out of my mouth was "I lost the baby, I will have surgery Tuesday to remove it from it from my body". To this day I still cry for the child I lost. Wonder about the what ifs and whys.
This was sent to me by my best friend, it makes me realize that I am not alone, for God also lost his child. His only child.
Wednesday 7 March
2 Samuel 12:13–23 (NLT)
To beg and plead….
David replied, ‘I fasted and wept while the child was alive, for I said, “Perhaps the Lord will be gracious to me and let the child live.”’
The baby spoken of in this chapter was born after David had committed adultery with Bathsheba and had then arranged for her husband Uriah to be killed in battle (2 Samuel 11). I confess to struggling immensely with this story, as I’m sure you will, too.
In my nursing career, I was present at the stillbirth of many—too many—babies. Then, working for a national charity, I stayed with many parents as they held their babies for the first and last time, all in the same moment, weeping at the gift of life so longed-for and then taken away so soon. I begged and pleaded with God in the chapels of just about every hospital in the north-east of England after visiting families on the brink of the death of their child, due to somecomplication caused by spina bifida or hydrocephalus. You may have been one of those parents. You know how it feels.
What can be said, what can be done, at such a time? I think that perhaps this is the one time when we say nothing. So often, things are said at the death of a child that only compound the questions and add to the grief.
The few simple words of David in verse 23 have helped me so much: ’I will go to him one day…’ If ever our hope of heaven and of seeing our loved ones again comes clearly into focus, it is at the death of a child. That hope is real. It cannot be fathomed or explained away. It abides in each of us and won’t be dimmed even by this most terrible darkness.
Father God, of all the deaths we ever experience, the death of a child is the one you know most about. You watched your one and only Son die, too. You know. You really do.
Sandra Wheatley
Xoxoxo-Twilia
None of those make us feel better. Most of the people that say those things, didn't have any problems getting pregnant. This is one issue that isn't easily understood, unless you yourself are in the same shoes or have been in the same shoes.
In my time of need, my mom just cried with me. I had no idea what to do. My husband was training for Iraq, how the hell was I gonna tell him?! All I could get out of my mouth was "I lost the baby, I will have surgery Tuesday to remove it from it from my body". To this day I still cry for the child I lost. Wonder about the what ifs and whys.
This was sent to me by my best friend, it makes me realize that I am not alone, for God also lost his child. His only child.
Wednesday 7 March
2 Samuel 12:13–23 (NLT)
To beg and plead….
David replied, ‘I fasted and wept while the child was alive, for I said, “Perhaps the Lord will be gracious to me and let the child live.”’
The baby spoken of in this chapter was born after David had committed adultery with Bathsheba and had then arranged for her husband Uriah to be killed in battle (2 Samuel 11). I confess to struggling immensely with this story, as I’m sure you will, too.
In my nursing career, I was present at the stillbirth of many—too many—babies. Then, working for a national charity, I stayed with many parents as they held their babies for the first and last time, all in the same moment, weeping at the gift of life so longed-for and then taken away so soon. I begged and pleaded with God in the chapels of just about every hospital in the north-east of England after visiting families on the brink of the death of their child, due to somecomplication caused by spina bifida or hydrocephalus. You may have been one of those parents. You know how it feels.
What can be said, what can be done, at such a time? I think that perhaps this is the one time when we say nothing. So often, things are said at the death of a child that only compound the questions and add to the grief.
The few simple words of David in verse 23 have helped me so much: ’I will go to him one day…’ If ever our hope of heaven and of seeing our loved ones again comes clearly into focus, it is at the death of a child. That hope is real. It cannot be fathomed or explained away. It abides in each of us and won’t be dimmed even by this most terrible darkness.
Father God, of all the deaths we ever experience, the death of a child is the one you know most about. You watched your one and only Son die, too. You know. You really do.
Sandra Wheatley
Xoxoxo-Twilia
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Two week wait..............
How to cope with the two week wait?
We pee on a stick to tell us if we get an LH surge....then we baby dance like we are supposed to.....then the dreaded WAIT. We try to be so in tune with our bodies that anything out of the ordinary gives us just a slight glimmer of hope. Hope that maybe just maybe, this is our month. This is the longest two weeks of our lives! (or longer for some women)
We pray, we hope.....we dream....we WAIT!
xoxoxo-Twilia
We pee on a stick to tell us if we get an LH surge....then we baby dance like we are supposed to.....then the dreaded WAIT. We try to be so in tune with our bodies that anything out of the ordinary gives us just a slight glimmer of hope. Hope that maybe just maybe, this is our month. This is the longest two weeks of our lives! (or longer for some women)
We pray, we hope.....we dream....we WAIT!
xoxoxo-Twilia
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Stress, how to handle it?
Don't you just love stress?
My husband and I had a wonderful weekend out in Springfield, Mo this weekend. We stayed in an hotel, went to The Academy Sports store, Bass Pro, and of course the Battlefield Mall. =0) So today I have been cleaning and working around the house, just to get things back in order.
Responsibility, how do you handle another persons irresponsibility or lack of respect? Seems like I was raised wrong. That song, "first comes love, then comes marriage" was obviously from a far way time period. Seems like now its the kids that come first before a relationship is even evolved. I know that everyone is different and what works for one may not work for another, however, I know a good foundation needs to be laid before anything else.
And FAMILY? What does family mean to you? I love my family. I know that people have different "family structures" but if someone put so much effort into you that it strained his own relationship with his WIFE and then you never have "time" for him because of your flavors of the week, then how do you think that makes him feel? One day, he wont there to pick up you up off the ground, but then again that's what all your friends are for. Who needs him anyway. I will tell you who does. ME. We have been through so much over the passed 6 years that its crazy to look back and see how far we come. I love him will all my heart and I am not going anywhere and I know neither is he.
xoxoxoxo~Twilia~
Friday, March 2, 2012
Waiting
I have had some tests run and my testosterone levels are on the high side of normal and my fasting blood sugar was high at 107. =( Both of which are "consistent" with PCOS, however since I am ovulating and having regular periods at this time the dr doesn't feel that I need any meds for it. Thank you Jesus!
My last period was Feb 17th, with a smiley face on my OPK on Feb 28th.
My cycles are between 33/35 days but since I got my LH surge earlier this round I could have a period anywhere from March 15th to March 21. Seriously hoping that it doesn't come!!! =)
I have to credit alot of my sanity to my husband. He has always been my shoulder to cry on. Unless you have personally been through this than you really can't grasp the emotional toll this takes on a person and on a relationship! I love my husband with all my heart! I can't wait till we have a bundle of joy!!!
Have I mentioned, I hate waiting!?
Xoxoxo~Twilia
My last period was Feb 17th, with a smiley face on my OPK on Feb 28th.
My cycles are between 33/35 days but since I got my LH surge earlier this round I could have a period anywhere from March 15th to March 21. Seriously hoping that it doesn't come!!! =)
I have to credit alot of my sanity to my husband. He has always been my shoulder to cry on. Unless you have personally been through this than you really can't grasp the emotional toll this takes on a person and on a relationship! I love my husband with all my heart! I can't wait till we have a bundle of joy!!!
Have I mentioned, I hate waiting!?
Xoxoxo~Twilia
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Background
My husband Woodrow and I have been married 7 years this year, August 25,2012. We were married August 25th, 2005. In April of 2006, Woodrow took an oath to serve and protect our country against all enemies both foreign and domestic. He left for basic in July of 2006 and came home in Nov 2006. In July of 2007, he was assigned to a border patrol unit in New Mexico. I gave my two weeks notice at the bank I worked for, only to get a call the same day telling me "babe, don't give your notice I just got orders to go to Iraq." There is no worse feeling than your soul-mate telling you that he is going to a war zone. My heart sank and I just started crying. I knew in my heart that this was going to happen. He was scheduled to start training at Ft. Chaffee, October 1st, 2007.
October 1st, 2007, a day that I will never forget. I took a home pregnancy test. It was positive! The first person I called was of course Woody! He was soooo excited. Then I called all our family, including my best friend!
November, 30th 2007-another day that I will never forget, this was supposed to be my 12 week appointment. However, I found out that our baby had stopped growing at 9 weeks. It was heartbreaking. Not to mention there was a 14 year old there for her 12 week appointment and she had healthy twins. I will never forget that. Woody was getting to come home for the weekends since they were training only 3 hours away. So this weekend so the hardest weekend ever. I had to tell him that we would not be having a baby after all.
December 4th, 2007-I checked into NARMC to have a d&c and have the baby removed from my body. I was fortunate to have my mother, grandma and grandpa with me there that day. I remember praying to God to show me that there wasn't an error that I had actually lost the baby. The nurse came in and said "Twilia, if you will go pee, we wont make you wear a catheter." When I did, I noticed that I was starting to bleed. Somehow, that gave me comfort.
Woody then went to Camp Shelby Mississippi, to finish training and leave for Iraq. I went and got him the week of Christmas and we got back home Dec. 24 2008. So instead of celebrating our first Christmas with our 6 month old, we were celebrating Christmas alone.
xoxoxox~Twilia
October 1st, 2007, a day that I will never forget. I took a home pregnancy test. It was positive! The first person I called was of course Woody! He was soooo excited. Then I called all our family, including my best friend!
November, 30th 2007-another day that I will never forget, this was supposed to be my 12 week appointment. However, I found out that our baby had stopped growing at 9 weeks. It was heartbreaking. Not to mention there was a 14 year old there for her 12 week appointment and she had healthy twins. I will never forget that. Woody was getting to come home for the weekends since they were training only 3 hours away. So this weekend so the hardest weekend ever. I had to tell him that we would not be having a baby after all.
December 4th, 2007-I checked into NARMC to have a d&c and have the baby removed from my body. I was fortunate to have my mother, grandma and grandpa with me there that day. I remember praying to God to show me that there wasn't an error that I had actually lost the baby. The nurse came in and said "Twilia, if you will go pee, we wont make you wear a catheter." When I did, I noticed that I was starting to bleed. Somehow, that gave me comfort.
Woody then went to Camp Shelby Mississippi, to finish training and leave for Iraq. I went and got him the week of Christmas and we got back home Dec. 24 2008. So instead of celebrating our first Christmas with our 6 month old, we were celebrating Christmas alone.
xoxoxox~Twilia
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